Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass

when i was six years old my sister alyson
asked for a stove for her birthday
a miniature one you could actually cook with
and my mom was nice and she bought onealyson needed a reason to bake something
barged in my room and she grabbed me
she said:
“i made a cake and we’re going next door
to sam weinstein’s and you’re getting married”

the cake was burned
it tasted gross
she made me kiss him
on the mouth

now i am 33
unmarried happily
no plans in life and i’m planning to keep it that way
i do kissing with only one mission
do you like to kiss? then you have my permission

and i have already spent too much time
doing things i didn’t want to
so if i just want to make out all the time
you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

when i was nine i was kind of a loser
the kids in my class didn’t like me
melanie chow was the meanest of all
and my mom made me go to her party

nobody talked to me i sat there quietly
drawing with crayons on a napkin
a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork
her legs getting eaten by lions

the cake was good
i took some home
i had a party
in my room

now i have friends and i’m not such a loser
but i go to bars all the time and i sit there
and order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people
yes that’s how i like it

and i’ve already spent too much time
doing things i didn’t want to
so if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine
you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

yes i come here often
sure i’ll have another one
yes i come here often
sure i’ll have another one
but i don’t have to talk to you

when i was 17 i was a blowjob queen
picking up tips from the masters
i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after
now i’m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
i don’t make love now to make people love me
but i don’t mind sharing my gift with the planet
we’re all gonna die and a blowjob’s fantastic

and

when i was 25 i was a rock star
but it didn’t pay too well i had to strip on the side
of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
baby they’d never know
what a bargain they’d gotten
and if i’m forgotten
i’m perfectly happy with all that has happened
and i still get laughed at but it doesn’t bother me
i’m just so glad to hear laughter around me

and i’ve already spent too much time
doing things i didn’t want to

so if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate
or look like a dyke
or wear high heels and lipstick
or hide in a convent
or try to be mayor
or marry a writer
smoke crack and slash tires
make jokes you don’t like
or paint ducks and retire

YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I’M GOING TO