on crying at work.
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sloth salute to you \|/
and that, as they say, was a tour.
here’s a little review, below, of the dublin show…neil flew over with me and guested and also came with me to the dalkey book festival.
it was an odd show, a really good one, but i spent a good fifteen minutes before hitting stage in a state of sobbing in the dressing room, because i got some news about anthony and his health and cancer that just tore me apart in the wrong way at the wrong time – or the right way at the right time…
first, serves me right for checking my fucking email 30 minutes before hitting stage (i used to have a rule about that, but i’ve gotten lazy…)
and second…i don’t think i would have allowed myself to break down if neil hadn’t been there. it somehow felt okay to do so, having someone solid to collapse on. he still doesn’t know exactly how to handle it when i have a good ol cry-fest, but i think he’s certainly more acclimated than he used to be.
sometimes it’s interesting, watching where i do and don’t let myself cry.
i sobbed for a good while and then, with 5 minuted left on the clock, i icked neil out of the dressing room and went into “pull yourself together, woman” mode and sat down and put on stage pancake and while i warmed up my voice, i ironed my frock, which actually calmed me down…maybe i AM cut out for a life of domesticity. maybe this is it, people.
i don’t usually cry during the first number, but there you go. i did. and the rest of the show was uphill downhill from there. i let myself cry as much as i wanted and since i was on the verge anyway, that was often. i was also slightly delirious and therefore FUNNIER than usual, something made possible by the fact that the crowd was right there with me and let me go off the rails. if you were in the crowd, thank you.
a connected thought, however.
i finally got back into the news cycle after being in tour-brain for so long, and i came across the TIm Hunt Kerfuffle. i posted some articles here…
basic lowdown, which i scanned as lana del rey crooned “young and beautiful” from the belfast airport speakers and an irish couple at the cafe table next to me screamed at each other and their misbehaving 3-year old child: tim hunt, nobel prize-winning scientist makes stupid sexist cracks, gets ousted from job immediately, cue 59 think pieces on whether or not it was fair. the crack in question was basically him suggesting that women couldn’t take criticism without crying.
here’s an additional piece:
“I will never forget the first time I needed to cry at work. But crying is looked down upon in the workplace as oversensitive, immature and unprofessional – the most recent example of male disdain came this week, when Nobel laureate Tim Hunt suggested that female scientists can’t take criticism without crying. So I held in my distress, and it built until, unable to conceal it anymore, I ran to the bathroom, threw up my breakfast and cried until I could return to my desk….”
i thought about this, and did the math.
i think i picked a job that i could not only feel safe crying at, but crying at work practically makes my job BETTER.
i sometimes feel like i didn’t give it my all if “bigger on the inside” or “the bed song” doesn’t get me going.
i’ve cried during “ampersand” on the right days.
i’ve even cried – i shit you not – during “coin-operated boy”.
i have never felt badly about crying on stage. it’s a badge of honor.
it means i’m feeling shit.
feeling shit is not bad.
and crying is not bad.
so, i think the deeper think piece is necessary: why is crying at work a bad thing?
maybe men should be encouraged to fucking cry when they need to.
sometimes shitty shit happens and you need to cry to let that shit out and get back to the task at hand.
so go have a good cry, everyone. good luck.
a few other links if you missed them:
the 90min+ Q&A webcast about babies, abortion, and relationships i did with whitney is ARCHIVED ONLINE now on youtube, go watch:
review of the london show from the guardian:
a reminder about the MASS MOSAIC – where you can ask for or generously gift “the art of asking” (or anything else you can think up): https://massmosaic.com/groups/162/view/the-art-of-asking-amanda-palmer-book-gifting