do sheep dream of electrocuting themselves?
well, fuck me. the man lived. and get this, his name is jack daniels:
(thank you to mixiemoxie & a bunch of others for sending the link)
well, i guess he didn’t want to go home…not in the cosmic sense, anyway.
he just wanted a cup of coffee.
this whole thing is starting to sound like a latter-day nick cave song.
doesn’t matter…what i did learn by default is that several hundred other people out there have mini-suicidal fantasies every day, be they of the train kind, the smashing car kind, or the throwing-yourself-off-a-tall-building kind. pithy for the thanksgiving holidays, fo sho, when everyone is killing themselves by the bucketful.
and to think that every new york commuter on every platform in every subway station is thinking, for at least .52% of a second, about tossing themselves over.
that’s a shitload of interesting energy. as for the few of you who posting about having mini HOMICIDAL tendencies, it’s a totally different discussion.
but my guess is you won’t find a single soul here who hasn’t entertained the idea of pushing SOMEbody off SOMEthing, just to see what that thought is like.
“entertained” being the key word. our minds are capable of ANYTHING to keep themselves entertained.
this is what’s amazing.
do cats, squirrels, rodents and other creatures have these flights of fancy?
can you imagine a bird thinking “if i just flew straight into the propellor of that plane…..”
what the fuck are we humans on about?
reminds me of a great passage from steve hagen’s book about buddhism, in which he asks the reader to imagine a leaf on a tree in autumn.
the leaf, instead of waiting for it’s time to fall, wishes desperately to cannonball to the ground.
he describes the leaf saying: “fuck this waiting around shit. i’m outta here.”
fantastic book, by the way:
we’re in pittsburgh, at the gorgeous ex-church venue mr. smalls, where the backstage area is actually a HOUSE, with real bathrooms with creaky faucets and a piano.
But seriously, what I’ve wondered about isn’t so much train suicide, but wanting to meet someone who has never in their darkest moment of despair at least thought “ya know what, I know it’s punishment for my family, and life ebbs and flows, and bla bla, but it would be so fucking convenient if I could drop dead right fucking now.” I assume there are people who would deny that but I wonder if there are actually people who have never even thought that. Like, do those people even have inner monologues? I’d simply love to have a conversation with someone like that and try to understand their universe.
i think EVERYBODY has those inner monologues but most people don’t even know what’s going on because they’re so fucking checked out.
some couldn’t even admit to you that they’ve had these thoughts because they don’t even pay attention with their conscious minds as to what’s going on in there.
this is what being enlightened is all about. just being present to those thoughts, owning them, recognizing them, and letting them pass. not fighting them. just seeing them.
I play a similar game to train tracks with balconies and levels in hotels/my school library. I sort of look down, get dizzy and disoriented from the height and think about what it’s like to fall that distance. Mostly thinking about falling and definitely not about impact. However, a lot more people went into the experimental phase of these musings at my school, and now my library has a nickname for them (The Bobst Diving Team…named for the Bobst library), as well as reinforced railings/plexiglass walls. It kinda brings you back to Earth.
that reminds me of one of my favorite bjork song, hyperballad. incredible song, especially the brodsky quartet version, which is how i got to know it on a taoe from a boyfriend…
“It’s early morning
No one is awake
I’m back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes ‘til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?
I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you”
my childhood walls were covered ceiling to floor in lyrics that moved me and poems i’d write as a result. oh, and an entire wall dedicated to pictures of billy corgan. that man moved me in ways i still can’t quite explain.
see you at the metro.
billy corgan keeps popping up in my inbox due to his recent shenanigans: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgcieNseX8Y&fmt=18
apparently the smashing pumpkins have been playing odyssey space jams and reworking their songs beyond recognizability.
we’ve seen bob dylan do this, it ain’t pretty.
has anyone out there actually been at any of the shows? any good? terrible? tell.
I made the mistake (I’m calling it a mistake myself) of actually admitting this to an adult at my school, and guess what. They’re (mum and the people that know this) are going to send me into therapy. This is somewhat ironic in a way. I’ve never really changed my thoughts. I’ve been depressed on and off for years. Depression even runs in my family. It’s like everyone’s all just noticing now. And it’s not like I never see any beauty in life. I think it’s just human. And after whatever I go through in therapy … I honestly don’t think anything will change. Because it’s just me to think these things. Therapy honestly doesn’t make sense with me.
And yeah, just what I need, right? More people asking me pointless questions.
things always change. including your thoughts.
go to therapy with an open mind. unload as much as you want. just make sure your therapist isn’t disclosing any of your personal information to your folks.
some therapists are awesome. some are terrible. if you hate the therapist and they’re still bugging you to go, ask for another therapist until you find one you like and trust.
my best friend is a therapist, i’m biased. i’ve seen it work wonders for people for years.
and on that note, this is super-timely, since i was about to post about it anyway.
there are these two folks who always bring food to me in philly (and food like you’ve NEVER seen – i’m talking five-star meal delivery).
they are awesome people.
their names are michael and shonda and they run an organization called suicide aftercare…they basically show up at the scene after the deed is done and
deal with the families and the mess. including, michael just told me, train incidents (eeesh).
from their site:
Q: How are we able to do this?
A: We partner with kind-hearted volunteers, professional crisis workers, corporate sponsors, law enforcement, and various risk management companies. Through the generous donations of others we are able to provide our services at any time to grieving families.
Q: Why do we do this?
A: We believe that when all is said and done the only thing that matters is how we helped others – plain and simple.
“During 2005 in the United States 4212 people between the ages of 15 and 24 died by suicide. That is 11.5 per day. How many of them were Amanda Palmer/Dolls fans? We can’t know for sure, but if a member of the AFP tribe hasn’t died by suicide yet, sooner or later one will. Please help the Suicide Aftercare Association, a 501(c)(3) public charity, by making all your on-line purchases through www.goodshop.com.
The vendor you place your order with will donate a percentage to the association so we can help more people and it doesn’t cost you anything extra. You can buy absolutely anything you would normally buy on-line though www.goodshop.com….music, books, clothes, vitamins, laptops – virtually anything. Yes, you can even buy AFP/Dolls music through www.goodshop.com.
Just make sure that the Suicide Aftercare Association (Philadelphia, PA) is in the “Who do you good shop for?” text box.
I hear a train a comin’…”
in other news, the belly project grows and grows. there are more than 200 bellies up in solidarity and it’s been officially dubbed “the rebellyon”.
i love it, look!!!:
go add a photo at the thread: http://www.theshadowbox.net/forum/index.php?topic=6054.0
got to go get ready for the nightly damage.
p.s. i’m about to do my second webcast. you’ll be able to tune it at partyontheinternet.com…keep up to the second tabs on the brand new afp news & updates twitter for when we’re gonna go live with the party. be ready to email questions to ask [at] amandapalmer [dot] net.
the danger ensemble will be joining me so feel free to ask them anything you want…..