July 27, 2019

in the key of now

(public post)

dear ones

i missed this kid so much last week. it was nice to have baths alone but i felt the ache of separation.

i can’t believe he’s almost four, for fucks sake. there’s also a breath-stopping double-take i do sometimes lately at his photos. he looks so much like me at that age. it’s so average (DNA) and yet so magic (whut).

i remember when he was an infant, and i would look at these giant 2 and 3 year old children running around and feel this strange anticipatory surrealness: like, that is going to happen to me. my child will be large. this baby is so small! that is going to happen. AGHHHH.

now when i look at teenagers, i don’t feel that anticipation, that strangeness. i think i’ve just gotten used to the feeling of being with an expanding growing aging being.

when he was in my belly, or a tiny baby, older parents used to say “it goes so fast, it goes so fast”.

it doesn’t feel like that to me.

maybe because i’m an older mother (i had him at 39), or maybe because i experience time differently. it feels slow and it feels like it’s happening in real-time. in the key of now, at the speed of life, the orchestra plays on, my friends.

i love you all madly

afp

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in the key of now

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